Tree is up.
Tree is up.
OH MY ACTUAL GOD.
Today my friend Jackie gave me my belated birthday surprise and it was AWESOME.
We had a spa day! LOOK AT HOW GLOWING AND SMOOTH AND NICE AND FRESH MY SKIN LOOKS!! (I know it doesn’t really, but it was with the front iPhone camera, which totally doesn’t do it justice)
Shit, I never thought I’d like that sort of spa-y self pampering stuff- but I’m not joking, it was AMAZING. I went from this insane hot room called the ‘vitality’ room straight to a cold monsoon shower and my body was literally just ALIVE. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and the colour in my cheeks and my body.
And then, we had massages, albeit free sample ones that were 15mins but that’s better than no massages!
It was so cool.
10 out of 10 would recommend.
Glowing skinned-girl-next-door over and out!
Memories and thanks from my first thanksgiving.
It’s 2pm. I have places to be and people to see. But I’m finding it hard to function today.
I am still in bed. My breakfast consisted of 3 champagne truffles and a swig of undiluted cordial.
I haven’t showered in 3 days and I really really don’t want to wear anything other than my underwear.
I need to get up and go but I genuinely cannot summon the energy or will.
NB: the truffles were a gift from my old workplace on my last day, I would never be able afford something like that.
Nursing a 24 hour hangover and unemployment with SHREK.
Fuck I forgot how good this film is.
‘Man I had some strong gases eekin’ outta my butt that day’
When you’re on your period and it’s like your uterus is caving in on itself and you feel all woozy and exhausted and life is like ‘nope, you got shit to do! Go! No stopping! Go!’ And then you drop a sock and start crying about the plight of humanity.
My birthday on Tuesday was fine. I went in with low expectations and was therefore pleasantly surprised throughout the day.
I only had one near incident of emotional melt down.
My shrink told me to make a rough list of all the things I’ve achieved in my life to help me get through the weird feeling of ‘who the hell am I, why am I 25, I don’t want this, no’ that was surrounding my birthday.
I tried for a while and couldn’t bring myself to write shit down, but here is what I can think of:
several countries/cities/counties lots of moving
friends from all over the place for years
looking after my brother, helping and guiding him when he needs it and encouraging him to see the world through his eyes rather than what other people want him to see
doing whatever I can to help keep the peace between my parents for years
working 2 jobs one full time one part time to raise the money to go to drama school whilst simultaneously writing to trusts and asking for funding and receiving some
teaching kids drama and using it as a tool to help them/directing them
getting into all the drama schools i auditioned for
an MA a BA and decent school grades (though as I’ve come to realise it really does mean jack all)
being in a strong loving relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years
and i guess the fact that even though i’m nearly broke all the time, i can’t see a future or prospects right now, i have stayed in london and lived through it and worked all sorts of crazy weird jobs and odds and ends and been on the dole, and somehow made it work not given in and gone home
uihrfosdlfsadf blerrrrggghg. Hate feeling like this.
Had a very frustrating chat with a friend earlier who works at the same place I do but in a different, higher, capacity. Essentially the company had 2 openings. She recommended me for one and another friend of ours for another, and confided in me that she had put me forward for the one that she believed to be the higher/better role, as our other friend had only just graduated his BA at the time and had no office experience, whereas I had loads and a masters. Turns out she got it the wrong way round and had put him forward for the better higher role, and me forward for a lower position. So they interviewed him for the better role, and gave him the job. Then they interviewed me and didn’t give me the role because it turns out that the position she had put me forward for was actually a tele-sales position and I didn’t have enough hard sales experience and that was vital for the cold-call style position I had been put forward for. So they offered me a role as an intern…Working under my friend straight out of uni, who had just got the job as team leader for the interns. It may have been the final nail in the coffin that contained my almost non-existent pride, and I said yep, because, what other choice did I have? I was desperate to come off the dole. Beggars cannot be choosers.
So the job is a paid internship (minimum wage). The term internship should be used very loosely here, because the level of work I’m doing is not in any way contributing to my current skillset or challenging me. As in, about 70% of my time thus far has been spent putting things in envelopes and sending them out to a 1000 schools. Or formatting cast lists on word documents. Or making a few phonecalls a day and asking for the number of ticket sales and then writing it down. Then folding tshirts.
Anyway, this friend who had initially put me forward asked me today how i was finding the experience.. I chose my words carefully, cause I’m aware that she’s above me at work, and that I’m even lucky to have something and that it was kind of down to her that I got it anyway. I said I was so glad to be getting out of the house, and doing stuff, and loved the people there, but that I wasn’t really learning much, considering it’s meant to be an internship, all things considered.
And she sort of paused and said, ‘what not even like office etiquette, or like dealing with clients and multi-tasking organisational things and how to deal with people?’
And I just couldn’t believe it. It was like she ACTUALLY thought that I had no idea of this stuff before this. As though I’d never worked in an office. Or for a theatre organisation. Or managed my life.
I had to stop myself from saying ‘may i remind you that while you were still in your final year of Uni, i WAS doing all that stuff, in an office, and on an international scale, and did so for 8 months. that’s how I earnt my money to do the SAME MASTERS COURSE AS YOU and then go on to do a 6 month internship in a theatre, where again, I WAS DOING ALL THAT STUFF AND MORE.
But no. I just smiled and said a vague ‘maybe’.
What else can you do? Not 3 months ago, this chick was telling me that I should be getting higher positions than some of our other friends, and now… Well, I get that she may be trying to put a positive spin on it for whatever reason- but I had already done that. I had acknowledged the positives about being out of the house and the people and the environment. I was making a very valid point, not just about the company and my role within in but about how the term ‘internship’ is used these days.
But rather than just being a friend and being like ‘yo, i totally get you, that aspect must be frustrating for someone who’s clearly a bit overexperienced for the role AND WHO I INITIALLY WANTED TO PUT FORWARD FOR A WAY HIGHER job’ she just opted to pretend as though stuffing flyers into envelopes for 2 months has enriched my skillset and CV and that I should have learnt something from it.
She then also went on to say something along the lines of ‘i guess its the kind of thing that someone who really WANTS to work would appreciate and who really feels grateful to have would learn from’.
And I just shut up. Because I was too shocked and hurt that she was insinuating that it was somehow down to my ungratefulness and laziness that I wasn’t getting anything out of a position where my primary task is to pack stuff and seal it.
I don’t know. Perhaps I’m being paranoid/hyper sensitive. Or maybe she’s right.
Who knows. If enough people tell you you’re not good enough or rubbish or ungrateful or whatever you start to believe it, you know?
JUST CALLED IN SICK TO WORK AND THE BLOODY ARTISTIC DIRECTOR PICKED UP THE PHONE SO I HAD TO TELL HIM ABOUT HOW SNOTTY AND HORRIBLE I WAS FEELING AND HE CLEARLY DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT AND JUST SAID AFTER A WHILE ‘OKAY. I’LL LET THE RIGHT PEOPLE KNOW’ AND I WAS LIKE ALL THANKS DOM, THANKS SO MUCH AND I HATE MYSELF.
I JUST TYPED OUT A MASSIVE POST ABOUT HOW WORRIED I WAS CAUSE MY BOYFRIEND DIDN’T COME HOME LAST NIGHT AND I WAS GETTING MYSELF ALL WORKED UP AND SPECULATING ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK COULD HAVE HAPPENED AND THEN JUST AS I WAS ABOUT CLICK ‘PUBLISH’ I FINALLY GOT A RESPONSE FROM HIS MATE SAYING THAT HE HAD SPENT THE NIGHT OVER THERE AND I AM SIMULTANEOUSLY SO RELIEVED AND LAUGHING AND RELIEVED AND ALSO FURIOUS AND BESIDE MYSELF WITH ANGER- THIS FEELS SO WEIRD
It was my brothers birthday today (Monday). I sent him a text in the morning on my way to work, and then called him as soon as I was done, around 6pm. He hadn’t read my text or seen it, so he answered the phone to me going ‘finnnally, I wondered when you’d call!’ in his deep booming 16 year old voice, and my heart melted, cause I could just tell he’d been waiting for my call all day.
I love him so much. He is the reason.
It’s my birthday in like 9 days, and I still haven’t organised anything for it.
I’m gonna turn 25. Last year was great, I went to my favourite bar/cafe near where I live and a bunch of my good friends and I just there laughing, chatting and drinking into the night.
This year, I don’t think I’d have enough people there to make it very fun or lively. Plus, would it not be a cop out to try to replicate the same thing again?
A very small, teeny tiny part of me wants to go out and dance the night away in a sweaty club. But the larger, more vocal part of me can’t think of anything worse.
I may not do anything to be fair. I’ve left it pretty late, and I’ve grown apart from a few people over the last year because of… well. Who knows why people grow apart, they just do.
A couple of weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I was out in Shoreditch for a friends birthday. I don’t really like Shoreditch that much, and yet somehow most of the social events and occasions that I end up going to are there. It was the kind of night where a bunch of people who haven’t seen each other for a while get together, and go to a few different bars and pubs having cocktails and beers and stuff. (needless to say I had mostly water and a just a couple of beers).
We were in the middle of bar hopping, on our way to the next venue and we stopped at a crossing of a busy road, waiting for the little man opposite to turn green.
As we waited, this MASSIVE rat emerged from the drain on the opposite side of the road. It scurried onto the pavement, looking lost, and then sort of scurried onto the road. We all took a collective breath of shock and fear. The rat had stepped onto the road, right onto the path of a huge wave of oncoming merciless traffic. It was clearly terrified. Cars, buses, vans, mopeds, were all hurtling directly towards it and narrowly missing it. The group of people I was with were gasping with shock and letting our tense ‘WOOOAAH!’s whenever it narrowly avoided another vehicle. I buried my face in my hands and started to cry.
The man turned green, and we started to cross the road. Someone in the group said ‘It’s okay, it’s been a bit squashed, but it’s still moving!’ As if it was a good thing. As if a slow, painful, inevitable death caused by partial crushing and internal bleeding was somehow better than an outright, swift, flattening.
We moved on.
Later, as we moved between bars again, we passed the spot where it had happened. There in the place where someone had proclaimed it was all right, was a small, messy mound of dead rat on the road.
I can’t stop thinking about it. Yeah, because of cliched shit like the fragility of life and stuff, But also cause…. That’s actually reality isn’t it? We’ve all been trained into thinking (mostly by Hollywood, but by culture in general) that when we or other creatures step out into the path of oncoming traffic we’ll make it to the other side of the road in one piece, alive and healthy, and with a group of happy encouraging supporters waiting for us on the other side. But for the most part, in real life, that won’t happen. For the most part, we’ll be lucky if we make it to the other side in one piece, let alone with a crowd of supporters waiting there and encouraging us on. And let’s be honest - how many people are that lucky?…
My temporary contract comes to an end next month so I’m already on the hunt for work again. It’s the most depressing feeling in the world.
Just feels like I’m about to be right back at square one.
Also, I’m officially literally just breaking even in the job I’m in- taking into account rent, bills, food, travel misc expenses of living in London and having it suck money from your every orifice.
But am I surprised by only just breaking even? That’s what happens if you’re paid minimum wage and work full time hours and travel in peak hours.
Last week, I managed to fight some of my demons and actually went out and socialised a couple of times. It was super hard for me to do, and I felt so proud of myself afterwards, until of course I realised that the result was that I actually spent more than I earned and had to borrow some money from mum n dad to see me through.
Here’s to hoping I can find something else soon so that there’s not too much of a gap between this job and the next one. The idea of having to go back to the job centre makes me feel like curling up into a ball and cry.
Doesn’t help that the Mr is struggling to get enough freelance tech and sound work. We’ve both been losing sleep over money thoughts, silently lying awake at nights, seeing numbers in our minds eyes- I’m sure of it. I’ve started asking for more front of house shifts at the theatre I used to intern at in order to get some more cash. Of course it means that I effectively work 60 hour weeks…
Meanwhile, the fella has taken on an ad hoc minimum wage job as a ‘general assistant’ in a recording school. Mostly he cleans toilets and sets out chairs…
Here’s to hoping things get better soon. For both of us.
Okay so several things.
1- The Mr and I are RACING through Half Blood Prince and it’s proving to be great fun (as I anticipated). He has actually been gasping in shock and laughing aloud at some of the stuff is going on in the book, just as I thought he would. It’s great. It’s one of the very few times in that I don’t feel terrible.
2- I had like 3 interviews for this one lousy position, and if I don’t get, I will be simultaneously super miffed but also so not bothered, because meh, self preservation.
3- I’m going to the doctors tomorrow because I have suspected for some time now that I have relapsed into clinical depression. It was a big decision for me to acknowledge it and ring up the doctor to do something about it. I can only hope the doctor will help me find better coping mechanisms for it, and that it will hopefully take some of the heat off my boyfriend who is the only person who knows and who has been absolutely incredible and a total saint at handling my absolutely monstrous self destructive/apathetic/miserable behaviour and patterns.
4- I want to live in a period conversion flat.
5- At the theatre bar where I (very occasionally) work, sometimes people ask for a cup of tea. I make it for them, and I have so far had a 100% success rate of customers coming back to me and saying that that was the best cup of tea they had in a very long time or sometimes EVER. It is official, I am tea god.
6- Should I dye my hair purple already? It’s the question that I ask several times a year and then always end up answering ‘no’.
7- Labour will not win the next general election. IMO. Shame.
8- I kind of want some old school coke bottle fizzy sweets. RIGHT NOW.