That's Interesting.

I bought some trousers for a work thing I had in September 2011. I tried the trousers on again yesterday, in the hope of wearing them to an interview. 

So. Difficult. To. Breathe. In. Them. 

I made a joke about to my boyfriend, and acted all aloof. 

But really, all that was going on in my head and has been since then is: 

“ARRRGHGOHJOFJPOJFOWG WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HAVE I GAAAAAAINED WEEEIIIIIGGGHTTTTT OH MY GASOHIGOSHGWPHGWOIGNNVGIHGO AAAAAAAAAHHHH MY STUPID FAT ARSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AKFUHOKDSHFNOSDIGN THUNDERTHIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DFHKERGNHOERIJNGLEWG WEGOIWHEGJ EWGOEHRIG *EATS MAYONNAISE STRAIGHT OUT OF THE SQUEEZY BOTTLE* “

Things I hate about tumblr:

1- The excess of so-called social justice bloggers who ooze, nay, fucking GUSH their ‘holier than thou’ attitudes, commentaries, and thinly veiled regurgitated opinions endlessly to the point that my dashboard is more often than not, just a shit storm of ‘TW’ings. 

2- Pictures of girls (and boys, but mostly girls), wearing floaty/tight/uber fashionable stuff and standing around in fields of lavender looking serene/in forests looking lost/in urban settings looking super attitudey WHILST WEARING ATTIRE THAT IS IN NO WAY SUITABLE TO ANY KIND OF NORMAL WEATHER CONDITIONS. ie- girl, in the CLEAR WINTER in bare legs, doc martins, short pretty floaty dress, long swishy hair, some kind of headpiece (hat, headband, w/e), and a teeny, tiny, little leather jacket/cardigan/blazer and some pathetic stringy scarf and oversized mittens as though that makes up for the fact that her vagina is about to fall off from frostbite in a second. IN WINTER. IN A WINTER SETTING.

3- ‘my mum/dad/nephew/cousin twice removed/goldfish/mantally incapacitated long lost doppleganger said that if this post gets more than x amount of notes, they will buy me a fucking cookie that says ‘well done, you have been acknowledged for something online’

4- ‘LOL, I’M SO ANTISOCIAL. I hate people. Hating people and social interaction is the beeeest, I live my life like a lone cyborg, forever connected to the internet and tumblr and it’s just the cutest most romanticised thing ever, isn’t it!’

5- Vacuous images of pretty things in frills, nail polish, macaroons, and high street clothing brands. WHY DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE THIS SHIT. LOOK DOWN AT YOUR OWN HANDS. THERE. RIGHT THERE. THE NAIL VARNISH IS THERE. YOUR STARBUCKS CUP? YEP. THAT’S THERE TOO. OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

6- ‘I was in the shop and this really racist/homophobic/sexist person was around, so I said/did something that is really out there and creative and so carefully constructed that probably about 80% of these posts are not true, I just want to jump on the social justice bandwagon and get notes’

7- American politics. American politics. American politics. American politics. American politics. Something very brief about australian/british politics. Back to American politcs. American politics. American politics. ‘i’m so socially aware and in touch with the world’. 

8- Thigh gaps. Flat stomachs. Big pert titties. Tight round butts. Big full lips. In the bathtub, lying in a field, against a wall, in a bed, in a group, in public, wearing non-seasonally appropriate clothes, what ever the fuck man. I’m fed up of it. That sort of shit is what fuels hateful self-perception. 

Reasons why I like tumblr- 

1- Pictures scroll past, kills time.

2 - A place to rant because I haven’t got any receptive followers. 

3- Funny things, memes etc, within reason. 

…..

oh god. costumes for the show are skin tight, lycra, nude coloured catsuits. 

dramaturgically they are perfect and work so I am of course in full support of them, but holy shit, I am also terrified. that shit is gonna show every lump, bump, curve and  crevice on my stupid body.

I know it’s not important and blah blah blah, and fuck the expectations of society for women to have barbie bodies, but mother of god, that doesn’t eradicate nearly 20 years of conditioning being told by society that your body isn’t good enough and the incredible fear that brings when considering that all the other girls in the company are thinner, taller and more toned than I am. 

HAHAHAHA, this is the most ridiculous post ever. 

seriously though. help. terrified. 

Tumblr makes me feel terrible about my body image.

Partly because I’m probably following the wrong blogs (you know the ones, girl with long flowy hair down to her breasts, in a killer effortless but totally weather impractical outfit, swaying in a sunset lit meadow of lavender…), but also because so so so many of the images and things on here are regurgitated press and media images of women- models, actors, singers, etc- all of which look pristine, and size 6, and toned, and proportioned, and beautiful/sexy as fuck.

You can tell yourself you don’t believe it, and that it’s just ridiculous objectification of women in play once more, but if you see enough of something, over and over and over again, and realise that you are so, so far from that, then you feel pretty fucking shit about yourself. 

Does that make sense?

Fuck, I don’t even care if it does. 

That awkward moment…

when your usually incredibly sensitive boyfriend publicly declares lust for a perfectly formed toned, puckered, tanned and sculpted celebrity when you have only hours before confided that you are having a mental melt down about your own body image.

And it’s like…