You rarely come to see me, and when you do you barely stick around long enough for me to even realise you’re there, let alone make the most of you.
I see the way you spend hours, days, weeks, even years with other people. My friends. My enemies. And yet, you never seem to come to me? Or my family?
I don’t understand you. People say that I have to make you. But the people that say are those that have had you by their side for the majority of their lives. So they would say that.
I thought you’d give me a break after the last few months? But no. Thanks for fucking up my driving test, auditions, finances and work life all in one scrupulous, devastating go.
I want to say that this is just a wave of bad luck coming now so as to balance out all the good luck that will happen later- for when I do the auditions, or ever manage to get a date reset for my driving test, or win the lottery… But I know I’d be kidding myself, just like I have been all these fucking years.
I want to say I don’t want you anymore. That I hate you. That I don’t care if I don’t have you. But it’s not true. I need you more than anything, and I’m furious that I can’t have you. I’m upset. It makes me cry with fear about what life without you is going to be like. Because it’s evident now, after 22 years that you will not come and grace me with your prolonged presence.
Thanks… for next to nothing. (you see, I am not even so audacious as to claim that you do nothing, and that I have nothing, I give credit where it’s due, but also have every right to fly off the handle when you fuck things up royally for me, like now)
My friend entered a short film contest and the prize is cash that he desperately could do with. PLEASE, if you have ever even half smiled or enjoyed or noted one of my posts can you vote for his video ‘there might be blood’!! And then repost this to let other people do it too! If you’re feeling generous you can enter ANY email you want to vote- even fake ones, it works-as we found out the hard way when one of the ppl in the leading let slip about it!!
1. Dame Judi Dench. To be anywhere near as magnificent and exquisite performer as she is… is beyond a dream. She has artistic Integrity with a capital I, talent with a capital T and is without a doubt, fucking incredible.
2. Antonin Artaud. Mad or not, opium addict or not- the man thought on a deeper level about human nature than many artists, let alone theatrical people seem to overlook. Plus, the lines ‘all poetry is pigshit’ will never be forgotten by me.
3. My parents. They have lived and settled in three different countries. They are professional, intelligent and well informed about pretty much everything. They can be a bit lacking in the arts side of things sometimes, or a pain in my arse, but I cannot deny that they have done what millions of people across the world have and never will do with their lives. And in doing so, have shared the gift with me.
4. Sarah Kane. How, I wonder, can her writing be so incredibly personal, so vividly detailed in it’s minute details, yet so general that everyone who reads the speech that is given by B in Crave, can relate in one way or another? How is it, that despite the absurdity, the disgusting content, the lack of viable stage directions, her writing still shows a sense of structure within it’s pages, and (if done right) even more on stage? To be able to achieve anything even close to that magnitude, and to effect generations of theatre enthusiasts to come, whether positively or negatively…that is inspiring.
5. JK Rowling. She created the world that, 11 years later, still makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me truly happy and giddy. What a beautifully crafted work with not only a magical world to make imaginations run wild, but in simplest terms, bring forth the moral issues of prejudice and bigotry, loyalty, trust, and a million other things. Rags to riches, she fought her demons both personal and exterior and the result… well it speaks for itself.
6. Scientists. It is they, who push beyond the limits, and who allow progression and hope and ideas and… So much. I can’t explain just how much I admire scientists.
7. A bit of a cheat, but all the Mandela’s, Gandhi’s, Rosa Parks’, Suffragettes, Gaga’s, people who hid Jews in WW2, anyone out there who fought for that little bit more equality- whether it be for race, religion, sexual preference, gender, country, whatever. Without these people, our society would be a diseased one riddled with bigotry and oppression.
(I should add that I would have loved to have had Gaga here too- for the simple fact that a- she’s talented, b- she knows exactly how to play the media c- she knows how to let her management whore her d- she know hows to play her fans and e- she actually cares about something. But alas, I couldn’t think of anyone else that I could remove. So she just missed out. So did Kurt Cobain, The Beatles, and Oscar Wilde.)
1. My little brother. End of story. He keeps me duty, reason, purpose.
2. My phone. Being in a long distance relationship means that you HAVE to communicate a fair bit via calls or text or else… why bother, really?
3. Washing my hair. I get really grossed out by my own hair really easily. It needs regular washing- don’t care about the styling, as long as it’s clean!
4. The colour purple. Its me in a colour. It’s colour in me.
5. … The internet? It’s sad isn’t it. But, really, I rely on it for so much, job hunting, networking, researching, entertainment, refuge, killing time, day to day things, keeping in touch with the fella.
6. Harry Potter & Friends (tv show). I know it’s sad, but they’re two of the only things that truly manage to calm me, put me in a good mood, and let me get lost from the stress, chaos, and bleghness of reality sometimes. Plus, they are just INCREDIBLE.
7. Tomatoes. As a vegetarian, they’re a pretty vital ingredient in a lot of meals I have. Hell, even before I was veggie they were frequent guest stars in meals! Plus, sometimes the best thing for a hangover is just munching on a tomato with a bit of salt on it- really refreshes you.
8. Love. Without loving or being loved, what’s the point in life?
Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older
1. Actress. Still do.
2. Writer. Kind of still do. But I lack creative direction in stories.
3. Irish. Don’t ask me why. But for a while, it’s all I wanted to be when I was a little kid. IRISH.
4. Hogwarts Letter. Every year on my birthday, I’d genuinely keep an eye out for owls and stuff. Incase they forgot about me and were going to write afterall.
5. Rollerblades. Thank goodness mum had the sense to see that I was a clutz and that allowing me to scoot around on wheels on my feet would just lead to the loss of a limb.
6. A clothes designer. For about a day. I spent that day relentlessly drawing my designs. The urge thankfully left me.
7. Imaginary friend. A couple of my friends had some. I really wanted one, but could never quite muster it- my own imagination was too wild and kept shifting shape in my head for it to be one singular character, if that makes sense.
8. The egg in the vinegar experiment. Every few weeks I’d want to do it and ask my mum if we could. Occasionally she’d say yes and we would. It was AMAZING.
9. To be able to talk to animals. I spent many of my lunchtimes at primary school making animal hospitals for local bush creatures (not that any turned up) and saving lizards and bugs from being poked by other children. Ironically, I’m pretty scared of creepy crawly things now.
So she kissed him tenderly as she left the house for work. And all through the day she resented the crispness of her new white shirt and trousers that reminded her, and condemned the roads for allowing her departure, and loathed the people that called her line. When she got back, he was gone. Like she knew he would be. She cried.